Are you an Adequate Parent? Take the Quiz!



	Does your child: Change her own diaper. Hate you, Mommy / Daddy! Have a shot at parole next year. Have a diagnosis in the DSM IV named after him / her.
	Were your children: God’s little Panda kisses sent to Mommy and Daddy for schmoo-ee schmoo schmoo yes you are! More entertaining than the programming on basic cable. A better idea than the I-Toaster that your college roommate convinced you to invest in. A cautionary tale about any night involving tequila, K-Y Jelly, Bob Costas and the Seattle Space Needle.
	During your maternity / paternity leave, did you: Put those prenatal “Navajo Windtalking For Baby” classes to good use, at least when Yo Yo Ma was not performing in the nursery; Show baby the pretty sparkly lights on the Blackberry and the soothing tones and educationally-enriching vocabulary of boss’s and client’s voice; Stop hosting raves in your living room; Take advantage of the down time to reconnect with your old acquaintances and dealers.
	Since you became a parent, did you: Start to exercise more, eat better, and maintain a spiritual life even more meaningful than before, because now you’re living to be a healthy, happy Grandma or Grandpa to little Jayden and Desytin’s children. Notice that there is milk and beans in coffee, and congratulate yourself for staying fit. Realize that Lands’ End has a wide selection of elastic-waist apparel. Learn to say “I was beautiful before I had you” in six languages.
	When shopping for a stroller, did you focus on: The obvious fact that if they make $1200 strollers, then babies need $1200 strollers; Cup holders for parent’s milk and bean nutrition drink; Ease of folding to fit in rear of Ford Pinto; Adequate compartments to stow what Mommy’s selling behind the 7-11.
	Define “good school”. Attended by presidents and their children, pre-K debate team won national championships, and all of my neighbors’ children were rejected from it; Good facilities, recommendations from three of my friends, and does not require me to move within two miles of an Applebee’s; Good selection of liquor stores on the carpool route home; 2009—fewest shootings since 2005!
	Life before children was: Meaningless. Nothing compares to these precious moments of breastfeeding and the angelic laughter of children. I can’t believe I wasted 10 years finding housing for disabled veterans; Easier and more interesting. I used to have sex. Have they changed it? Complicated. I really should have considered my future as a mother before I went into hooking. There are better careers for moms, like stripping. The blackouts kind of run together but the tattoos on my back tell the story pretty accurately.
	Your role as a parent is: To buy all I can possibly buy, and do all I can possibly do, to show that I have made little Desytin and her unborn brother Kleenex my entire universe; To raise a child with a decent head on her shoulders, including enough sense to know when Mommy needs a little time alone to sit and remember why she wanted a child; To raise a child who is secure in the knowledge that if she calls, I will come and bail her out of jail; To stay alert for meteors.
	You will know that you failed as a parent if: Your child is not accepted to a preschool that recognizes and accommodates her exceptional gifts; Your child becomes a lobbyist for big Pharma; When your child gets lost at WalMart, she pretends not to recognize you so she can go with the nice police man instead; Your child refuses to drop the charges.
	Define the 5-second rule. The permissible amount of time a conscious infant can do without enriching interaction; The time a pacifier can spend in the dog’s mouth before you need to wash it; How much of a play date Daddy can survive without a bong hit; The grace period before your child is entitled to hear her Miranda rights.

1 comment to Are you an Adequate Parent? Take the Quiz!

Ask Adequate! Adequate Nutrition Explained « Adequate Parenting

April 16, 2010 at 7:13 am

[...] I answer your question, let me encourage you to take the Adequate Parenting Quiz, which was designed by NASA scientists (Not Associated with Science at All) to be a metric of your [...]